Quit Thanking People Who Abuse You
It may seem obvious. But, I think if we take a closer look, a lot of us allow people to behave in abusive ways toward us. Not only do we end up permitting and excusing their behaviors, but we can end up even inadvertently thanking them for mistreating us.
We say “if I wouldn’t have been with Harry I wouldn’t know how to….” or “I am grateful for that toxic work environment of coworkers because they all taught me that…”
I am a person who makes lemonade. The trash of others has always been my recreated treasure, and my glass is half full.
But what happens when your glass is full of the toxins others dumped in it? What happens when the trash was rotted and lemons were actually moldy? What do we do then? Do we lie and say everything is just fine? Or do we confront the truth and allow ourselves to move on, to expect more for ourselves? I caught myself doing this recently.
I’ve been writing a new book and found myself in the acknowledgements section, mindlessly writing fluffy things about people who have actually deeply hurt me. Where I may have learned amazing lessons that have helped me to get where I am now, these are not people I should be even thinking about thanking. Yet, for some reason I felt compelled to. And I found myself in an honest moment finally asking why what I was writing felt so inauthentic, like complete and utter bullshit. Because it was.
Why am I thanking you? For an adversity I would have never had to get through, and without it, may have found a potentially happier path way earlier on in life? Like, wow. But in my conversations this past week, I have realized that I am really not alone. I have been noticing a lot of people around me are also doing this habitually too.
I feel like calling it out. It is a sign of emotional health and personal security to say when something doesn’t feel right. It’s okay to change our minds when we see signs that something is wrong. It is actually NECESSARY to give ourselves permission to move on from people, places and things that are causing us to be in or stay in some form of abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual). Let alone the idea that we’d actually be saying thank you in some way. That’s nuts!
Yet, I have had to learn that I don’t have to say thank you for experiences that I never wanted or asked for. I don’t have to be calm or look enlightened about how I deal with these things now as they come up in life. I don’t have to be “cool” if I was/am abused, mistreated or used. I get to be mad. I get to decide I am not having any more of it. I get to ask for what I need. I get to walk away. And I don’t need to pretend or feign a thank you at some later point for a lesson learned.
You don’t have to either.
Especially in the age of social media, we can often find ourselves tied to these people as we end up staying connected to others longer term. A boss that was horrible to us, an ex who made us feel crazy with their ridiculous behavior, or someone who has bullied us in past. We can end up doing all sorts of things that end up being a “thank you” in the behavioral form.
We don’t say anything negative about them when someone asks directly about them. We write a recommendation of some kind because everyone else is doing it (maybe a “best in business” or some kind of business referral). Or maybe we just continue to “show up” for them even after they proved long ago they have no right to the privilege of our time (because they’ve already used us).
I don’t do this anymore. I invite you to join me.
I believe hurting people, hurt people. I also believe in second chances and that people can change. I will never stop seeing the good in people, I choose that. But though I may choose to reconcile, to forgive, and allow life’s situations to come around for the better…I do not need to say thank you for what never should have been. Ever.
Quit thanking people who abuse you.